Thanks guys. This really helps me. I’m trying to take my time with this and realise I’m on a journey different to any other I’ve been on in my life and it can’t be rushed.
You know after a couple of weeks of researching and reading COC and then re-reading my post, I realise my upbringing wasn’t so great after all ☹️ I’ve just been severely brainwashed.
My mum not once in my life has told me to ‘trust yourself’ ‘believe in yourself’ ‘you’ve got this’ ‘you can do whatever you set your mind to’ ‘be confident in your abilites’
no...., always been, ‘rely on jehovah, don’t rely on yourself’ ‘the heart is treacherous, don’t trust it’, ‘pray and jehovah will work it out to you’ ‘don’t trust yourself to make good decisions’
well... I never knew how to do that. How do I rely on God to make these choices for me? 😞
I’m starting to realise now just how brainwashed I was ... or am.
I now know why I always felt guilt my whole life and always in fear of making the wrong choice for displeasing God or displeasing man. I don’t want to raise my kids this way. I wish I had backed myself more and had some back bone with the things I wanted for myself.
I’m in a real predicament. If I stay with my husband, I will be unhappy, I’ll be okay.. but I’ll be unhappy and I’ll have a hole in my life and soul and the other aspect is if I leave the org, we will have conflict raising the kids unless I can get him to see ttatt.
On the other hand, if I leave to be with someone else, I choose a worldly life, most likely be DF, lose a lot of my family and friends but the real heart breaker for me is the kids will be far from their dad and he will be far from then, for a while anyway, until I can get on my feet to support myself and hubby would move close to his kids he says (yes we have had big talks about all this)
thank you for your comments, they do help a lot. I’m starting counselling next week, and luckily I’ve made one or two amazing worldly friends over the years who will be there for me.
Much love 🙏🏻